I had a meltdown today. Yesterday I found myself in this awful funk. I found myself in this same funk today. Then, I had a meltdown. I don't think I've blogged about this yet, but I found out in February/March that I still needed 3 credits to graduate. THREE CREDITS. Originally, I thought my credits from Florida transferred nicely. Then, I decided to double check with the transfer office and SURPRISE! I found out that I needed the second half of the American Heritage requirement. I am currently taking Political Science 110(aka American Government) through BYU Independent Study. It is time consuming. It is hard. It is NOT what I want to do after teaching all day. Now back to the funk. Yesterday I didn't want to do anything. My thoughts went like this:
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to go grocery shopping.
I don't want to make dinner.
I don't want to read this book.
I don't want to study for my midterm.
I don't want to wash my hair.
I don't want to blow dry my hair.
I don't want to write lesson plans.
I don't want to cry.
I don't want to prepare my Sunday School lesson.
I don't want to make my bed.
I don't want to clean my room.
I don't want to do laundry.
I don't want to find clothes to wear to work.
I don't want to make my lunch.
I don't want to DO ANYTHING.
Here I was. Stuck in the funk. I cried. In my classroom after school with the door shut I cried hard. The poor janitor came in to take out my trash and witnessed me sobbing on the phone to my mother. I didn't want to do life anymore. I didn't want to care. I wanted this phase of my life to be over. People always say that this time of my life is the best part of my life. Maybe it will be one day, but not currently. Today I had to come to terms with the fact that I am not a superhero. I can't do every little thing that's expected of me every single day. Sometimes it's okay to go to bed with wet hair. Sometimes it's okay to put the laundry off a few days. Sometimes it's okay to cry and feel angry for a little bit. I am only human.
I know more than anyone that I will survive this part of my life. This form of crazy will one day end and a new form of crazy will enter. I know that I'll look back and think of myself as a rockstar one day for working full time as a teacher and then coming home and working on a 3 credit class and getting in done in 3 months. I know I will survive. I just don't want to deal with the reality sometimes, and today, I learned that sometimes that's perfectly okay.