I have been putting off blogging until I was a month into school so I could fully share my thoughts and feelings with enough evidence behind it to actually mean something. I wish I could say that this last month has been the best one of my life. I wish I could say that I haven’t questioned every single day about my decision to become a teacher. I wish I could relate to all those other interns/first year teachers who are having a walk in the park. I wish so many different things for my life. I have realized in the last month that dreams aren’t always what life has planned and that my Heavenly Father is in complete control. I have cried. I have yelled in my car. I have drank Diet Coke until it no longer had any effect at all. I have been on my knees praying more than I have been standing.
My whole college career I had received multiple and many spiritual confirmations that teaching was the right career path for me. I had known and that’s the path I chose for my life. I made the decision to be a teacher. I made the decision to trust 18 learners with my abilities and my strengths. I made the decision to do this internship.
I was chosen for my school. I was hired and when I was hired someone believed in me enough through a 10-minute group interview to place me where I am. I was so sure. I hate to use the word “was.” It seems so in the past. It feels like a million years ago. One month of my life has turned into one of the most challenging I’ve ever had to experience.
When it comes to how I’ve been feeling I can’t blame it on any of my kids. I can’t blame it on their parents. I can’t blame it on the school. I can’t blame it on anything. There is nowhere to place the blame and that at times can be the most frustrating. It all comes down to decisions I have made and where my loving Heavenly Father has decided to place me on this path.
The title of this blog post is “Things they never told me about teaching and things I never expected to experience.” Even though the first 350ish words of this post were my true feelings I also need to mention the things I never expected to experience. I never expected to feel so loved. I can be having the hardest day and then when my sweet darlings leave my classroom I get 18 hugs, high-fives, or handshakes. I get notes from students telling me how much they love me. I also never expected to feel so much love for tiny humans who aren’t members of my family. They are my kids. For 6-7 hours a day they are in my hands. I am the one who gets to make them smile. I am the one who gets to see the light go on when they learn something new. I am the one they look to for guidance and counsel. I am the one their parents have trusted to protect and care for their child.
I never expected to become so good at keeping a straight face. One of my kids will randomly fart during a quiet lesson and the whole class will laugh and I have to keep a straight face so they won’t be encouraged. I never expected to have such an odd sense of time. Five minutes of peace and quiet is rare and is one of my simple pleasures of life. I never expected that my kids would bring so much love and happiness into my life. Teaching for me is hard. Teaching for me has not come easily. I fight every single day to be the type of teacher I want to be and I want to be the best I can be for my 18 scholars.
Through this past month I have completely relied on my Savior for comfort and guidance. I have felt his love surround me during the days where I just feel like I can’t go on and those days where my life couldn’t seem any more challenging. I have a sure testimony that He lives and that He loves me. He knows me so perfectly and he truly knows how much I can handle. Each day of my life is an adventure. I couldn’t have made it this far without Him and I know He has my back every step of the way.