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I'm not giving up, I'm just starting over.

It's been 216 days.
In those 216 days I have finally and fully felt what it means to be homesick.
I just googled the definition of "homesick" and then I realized that the term is more complex than I thought. I feel a little concerned that I googled the word, so I won't bother to tell you my findings (plus if you really want to know you can google it yourself). I might not even be that homesick. Maybe I just miss certain things about my old life. I miss my kitchen and how I knew where everything was and where everything went. I miss the vacuum my parents got when they were married that they still use to this day. I miss my primary kids at church and how much they made me feel loved. Most of all, I miss the way I used to feel.

My poor mom has received countless phone calls these past week (more than our usual daily conversations) where I have cried (hard to admit) because Utah hasn't really felt like the home I expected it to be at this point. I have been living here now for 7 months and I feel the same way I felt when I moved here. I don't feel like I've accomplished much, and I have been really struggling with the BYU atmosphere. The things that used to make me special (my standards, etc) are things that 95% of people here have. I felt like I lost my identity and who I was as a person. I didn't feel different, I didn't feel unique, I was just living.

I don't tell you all of this so you'll feel sorry for me, I'm telling you this because I have finally decided some things about my life and I needed to get them written down before I could go back on them and change my mind. I also am telling you this because I know more than anything how it feels to struggle. If you have ever felt anything I have been feeling lately, or you are currently or even one day feeling this way I want you (even if no one reads this) to know that you are NOT alone. Pay close attention to my words and I hope that through my personal goals and decisions that you can find comfort or maybe even an answer to a prayer.

1. A wise man once said, "Come what may and love it." Each day may not be a good day, but there is something good in every day. You don't get to choose the situations and the circumstances that life hands you. You have to take them and you have to love them. This is the new theme of my blog because I personally need that constant reminder that I need to deal with everything life hands me and I need to love it.
2. Try a little harder to be a little better. All the things that I am struggling with won't go away in one day. They are not going to magically disappear. As long as I'm trying a little harder to be a little better things will work out in their own due time. I need to trust more in my Heavenly Father. I know he is directing my life and I need to let him. He knows what's best for me and he will do everything for me in his time.
3. Stay Positive. These past couple of weeks I have struggled more than I ever have in my life with being positive. I normally think that I am a positive person, but lately that has been an internal struggle for me. Once you find yourself in that dark place it's really really hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you and I promise myself that bad days will happen but good days will far outnumber the bad ones if you count your blessings and remain positive.

Life is looking up for me. I have a strong testimony of my Savior and I know that I am a divine daughter of my Heavenly Father. I was put on this earth because He trusted me and He had faith in me that I could make it back to him one day. I had the choice to come here, I made it, and now it's up to me to live up to it. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father hears my prayers. He answers my prayers. He knows me personally. I know that there is so much happiness this world can bring. I just have to let it. I'm going to let it. I have so much faith in the future and hopes of things to come. I am strong, I am a fighter, and I am blessed.

Comments

  1. Hey Shelby, up until today I didn't even know that you had a blog so call it serendipity that I actually logged into facebook for once and saw this post. I know exactly what it's like to be homesick living in Provo. I know how it feels to blend in with all the sameness and still feel entirely out of place. I also know that you are an incredibly special girl and I'm proud to have you as a cousin. I know we don't necessarily talk a whole lot, but I look up to you and your bright spirit. You'll find your place, and you'll make it your own--even if it takes a little time and homesickness to get you there. So keep looking up and keep smiling, because there's someone out in the world that needs to see it.

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